The bar was moderately full. Jay looked around, hoping someone would come up and talk to him. He was always too shy to make the initial move, but he knew he wanted someone tonight. That was why he had come. He stared at the drink before him with little interest. He wondered why he had even ordered it. He really didn't like alcohol much. It only made him feel worse when he was already depressed.

 A young man with long, curly blonde hair down to his shoulder blades took the seat next to Jay. He ordered a mild drink for himself, then glanced at Jay, who was still staring listlessly at his own drink. Jay watched the man out of the corner of his eye. The man was young and Jay found him extremely attractive. He hoped the man would speak to him.

 "Bad drink or bad day?" the man asked.

 Jay looked at him and smiled. "Neither. I'm just thinking."

 "Well, that's good. It's nice to see a guy who's thoughtful and pretty," the man said goodnaturedly. He returned Jay's smile. Jay found his smile to be warm and inviting. "I'm Mark, by the way." Mark offered his hand to Jay.

 "I'm Jay." Jay took Mark's hand and shook it.

 "I don't think I've seen you here before," Mark stated. "New in town?"

 "Oh, I'm just passing through," Jay replied.

 "Really. So what are you doing here, then?" Mark inquired.

 "I'm - looking for someone, I suppose," Jay told him. He felt a little shy, but he hoped Mark caught his drift. He hoped Mark was interested in the same thing he was.

 "Someone you know, or someone new?" Mark asked.

 "Someone new," Jay replied.

 "Without a boyfriend, huh?" Mark chuckled and took a sip from his drink. "Me too. It's just hard to find a good guy nowadays."

 "Yeah." Jay felt a twinge inside. He had never really had someone he would call a boyfriend. It wasn't practical for him. He pushed that thought down, concentrating on the situation at hand. He really liked Mark, and he wanted to try to let Mark know what he wanted without sounding too forward. "I was hoping to find someone here," he said a little hesitantly. He thought Mark looked interested. He mentally kept his fingers crossed.

 Mark looked at him inquiringly, considerable interest in his eyes. "Someone for the long term, or someone for tonight?" he questioned.

 "Tonight," Jay replied.

 "Well," Mark cleared his throat, sounding a little nervous. "If you're interested, I don't live too far from here. We could go there and, um, hang out, or talk some more - if you want to."

 Jay smiled, his heart leaping at the invitation. This was exactly what he wanted. "That sounds nice," he told Mark. They paid for their drinks and left together. A short time later, they arrived at Mark's apartment. Jay looked around approvingly. It was a tastefully decorated place, both comfortable and warm. Mark invited him to sit on the couch, and they talked for a while. Jay enjoyed their conversation. He found Mark to be quite intelligent and interesting. They got to talking about various kinds of art, and Mark brought up several lovely pieces he had displayed in another room. "Wow, they sound beautiful," Jay commented. "Do you think I could see them?"

 "Sure. They're in here," Mark replied, leading Jay to another room. He showed Jay the figures, which Jay found just as nice as he had imagined. "As long as we're at it, I might as well give you the grand tour," Mark said jokingly. "You've already seen half of it, of course. This is what I like to call the study, in here," he said, leading Jay through a room stacked with book. "I'm kind of a nerd, so I have a lot of these," Mark joked, indicating a book. He led Jay into the next room. "And here's the last room," he explained as he walked through the door. "This is the bedroom."

 Mark turned around to look at Jay. Jay could feel the tension in the room rising. They both knew damn well what they had come here to do, and it didn't have anything to do with books or sculptures. Jay was there to physically satisfy himself, which he knew would come now. He glanced at the bed, feeling too shy to make a move. He swallowed, working up the confidence to walk over to Mark.

 Slowly, he bent forward to meet Mark's lips. He felt a stirring inside him. His body was hungry, and was more than ready for this. Mark eagerly returned his kisses, struggling to undo his shirt without losing the warmth of his lips. Jay's shirt soon fell to the floor, followed by Mark's. Their kisses became more heated and insisted as they moved toward the bed.

 It was Jay's knees which bumped against the bedframe, and he gladly let himself fall back onto the soft mattress. He watched with excitement as Mark, who was still standing, reached to undo his belt. Jay undid the clasp on his own pants, not taking his eyes off the man before him. He watched Mark slide off his jeans, leaving him standing there in only his underwear. His tight, form-fitting underwear. Jay pulled his pants off and tossed them onto the floor next to Mark's.

 Mark reached for the waist band of his only remaining clothing, setting his hands on top of it. Slowly, he slid the fabric down, stepping out of it as it hit the floor. Jay ran his eyes over Mark's naked body, licking his lips hungrily. He had removed his boxers, as well. He moved over to allow Mark to climb into bed next to him. Jay could hear no sound except their heavy, expectant breathing.

 Jay couldn't wait any longer. He had had enough stimulation, and his body was ready for sex now. He wrapped his arms around Mark's back, pulling him close and laying ferocious kisses up his neck. He let his hand slide down Mark's soft skin, dropping almost to the Chrisress to caress Mark's firm buttox. He felt Mark exploring him in a similar way. He couldn't believe how badly he wanted Mark. And he would have him in just moments.

Jay woke up several hours later. He jumped when he saw the time. "Shit," he muttered, rolling out of the bed. The person next to him stirred from his sleep.

 "You're leaving?" Mark asked, turning on his side to look at Jay.

 "I have to. There're people who'll miss me if I don't get back. God, I should've left hours ago." Jay picked up his pants and shook them out, preparing to put them on again.

 "Well, if you have to go." Mark looked unhappy. "I'd rather you stay."

 "I can't." Jay slid one leg into his pants, then the other. "It's already 1:00! I have to go."

 "Alright." Mark sighed. "It's just - it's nice to wake up with someone you've been intimate with. I know I don't really know you or anything, but it still would've been nice." He flipped back onto his back and stared up at the ceiling.

 Jay paused. If he went back to the hotel now, then he knew who he'd have to see. The one person he really wanted to be with, but never could. On the other hand, he could stay here until the morning, and fall asleep in Mark's warm arms. "Actually, I'd like to stay," he said slowly, thinking it over, "but then I'd have to explain where I was."

 "Not really," Mark replied. "Is it really anyone's business where you were?"

 "No, it isn't." Jay made a decision. He kicked off his pants and crawled back into the bed. Mark smiled. He put his arm around Jay and squeezed him happily. It was quiet, and both were soon fast asleep.

It was light when they next awoke. Mark woke up first. He drew back from Jay a little and rested his head on his hand, peering down at Jay happily. "Wake up," he said softly, following the words with a soft kiss to Jay's lips.

 Jay opened his eyes. "Is it morning already?"

 "Unfortunately, yes." Mark sighed. "Which means you have to go now, I suppose."

 "Yeah." Jay didn't feel like getting up yet, so he simply kept laying there. He enjoyed the feeling of Mark's fingers brushing across his chest.

 "So - who's Adam?" Mark asked after a few minutes.

 "What?" Jay tensed slightly.

 "You kept saying Adam, last night when we were fucking," Mark replied.

 "Oh." Jay looked unhappy.

 "Don't worry, I'm not insulted or anything. I know what last night was." Mark's expression was sympathetic. "Former lover?" he inquired.

 "No." Jay shook his head, his frown deepening.

 "Ah." Mark seemed to understand. "So he's someone you can't have, then."

 Jay looked a little surprised. "Yes. How did you know?"

 Mark laughed humorlessly. "I've been there before, believe me. It really sucks when you fall for a straight guy. That's the problem, right? He's straight?"

 "Uh huh." Jay nodded. "Engaged, too." He sighed sadly.

 "You wanna talk about it?" Mark asked.

 Jay swallowed. He'd never told anyone about it, and Mark was a complete stranger. But - why not? "It's so awful," he said, "Adam's like my best friend! I don't know why it had to be him. I mean, not only is he my best friend, but we work together too! I have to see him every day, and I have to pretend every day. He'd hate me if he ever found out. I couldn't stand him hating me." He blurted it all out in one breath. He felt tears coming to his eyes.

 Jay was glad when Mark pulled him into a comforting hug. "That's quite a situation you've got there," Mark commented, rubbing Jay's back as he hugged him. "Is that why you were at that bar last night? Just looking for someone to comfort you?"

 Jay nodded. "I was looking for physical comfort, really. I guess with you I got both." He drew back from the hug, smiling at Mark. "Last night was really great. It was so hot - god it was hot. Just as hot as you." He ran his hand down Mark's side, delighting in the soft skin and well toned muscles he felt.

 Mark smiled back. "I think half the credit is yours. You're definitely the hottest guy I've even been with." He got an inquisitive look on his face. "So, do you do this a lot?" he asked. "Sleep with people to try and forget about your friend, Adam?"

 "No." Jay shook his head. "Just every now and then, when I really feel the need for it, physically. I'm sorry about the name thing. I've been told I've done that before. It's just because he's the one I'd really like to be in bed with." Jay sighed. "God, that would be nice. You should see him. He's absolutely gorgeous, and with a body to die for. I bet he'd be so great..." Jay forced himself to end that line of thought. "I shouldn't think about that, though," he stated. "Especially when I spent last night having incredibly hot sex with a beautiful guy like you."

 Mark laughed. "You are definitely the nicest one night stand I've ever had," he commented.

 "Thanks." The smile on Jay's face faded. "I really do have to go now, though."

 "Alright." Mark nodded. "Let me give you my number, in case you're ever in town again and want to drop me a line." Mark pulled a piece of paper out of his night stand and scribbled a number on it, then handed it to Jay. Jay reluctantly dressed and headed for a door.

 "Before you leave, you want some breakfast?" Mark called after him from the kitchen.

 "No thanks, I'll grab something later," Jay said.

 "Wait just a second." Mark walked up to the door where Jay was standing. He reached to the back of his neck and undid the clasp of the necklace he wore, taking it and handing it to Jay. "I want you to have this, as a memento of last night. Someone gave it to me around the time I fell head over heel for a straight guy. I feel like it helped me get over him, although it's really just a mental thing. Let it remind you that there are people who care about you, and you can find nice guys if you look hard enough."

 Jay was touched by the gift. "Thank you," he stammered. "I'll treasure it." He fastened it around his neck, glancing at the decoration hanging at his chest with a smile on his face. He embraced Mark affectionately, then left. He was sorry to go, but he knew he couldn't stay any longer. Adam would already be upset that he had stayed out all night. Sighing, he headed for the hotel.

Jay took a deep breathe and paused to compose himself, then turned the knob and entered the room. He found Adam inside. A rather cross and disapproving look came across his friend's face. "Where the hell were you all last night, Jay?" Adam demanded.

 Jay shrugged. "Out."

 "All night?"

 "Yeah. So what?"

 "So what?!? What the hell were you doing?" Adam pressed.

 "None of your business," Jay replied.

 Adam glared at him. "It is my business," he claimed. "We have to look out for each other. And, to be perfectly frank, Jay, you haven't been acting very responsible lately."

 Jay sighed. "Adam, I don't wanna fight with you."

 "I don't want to argue, either, but I have to tell you the way I feel," Adam replied. "I'm getting really concerned about you."

 "I'm fine, ok? I admit, I've been a little down lately, but I'm feeling much better now." Jay smiled at his best friend. "I'm surprised you even noticed I was gone. Didn't you go out with Alanah?"

 "Yes." Adam smiled at the thought of that. "It was a wonderful evening, too. It was less wonderful when I dropped her off at her room and came back here only to find you gone!"

 "Sorry. I just hung out with some other people last night. I did sleep, I can assure you of that. I do have other friends, Adam."

 "I guess." Adam didn't look satisfied with the answer, but he dropped it for the moment.

Over the next few weeks, Jay's life seemed to get worse and worse. He tried his hardest to forget his feelings for Adam, but they seemed to grow by the minute. They grew to an almost unbearable level one night after RAW. Jay and Adam were in the locker room changing into their street clothes. Normally, Jay made an effort not to look, but he just couldn't help it this time. He felt desire burning within him as he watched the way Adam's muscles rippled. He had to close his eyes and repeatedly tell himself ‘No' to stop himself from going to Adam and taking him in his arms.

 He lapsed into a fantasy while he kept his eyes closed. He would go to Adam, embrace him, and kiss his soft, rose-like lips. Run his hands across Adam's satin-like skin and powerful muscles. He smiled as he remembered how cute Adam had been that morning at breakfast. They had eaten waffles with whipped cream and strawberries. To Jay, it was an extremely sexy food with lots of possibilities. He could just picture Adam, covered in whipped cream...

 "Jay." Adam's voice snapped Jay out of his day dream, and he opened his eyes. "Wait to fall asleep until we get back to our room, silly," Adam told him, giving him a funny look.

 "Sorry," Jay muttered, reaching for the clothes he had temporarily forgotten about.

 "I'm ready, so I'm heading back now. You've got your own car, come when you're ready. See ya in a little while," Adam stated as he left the room.

 Jay dressed slowly on purpose. He thought about going out, but he really didn't want to have to deal with any strangers tonight. He could only think about Adam. "I love you, Adam," Jay whispered to the air, tears in his eyes. He wanted to keep seeing Adam, but he wasn't sure he could manage that anymore. He was considering quitting.

 The thought of not seeing Adam anymore broke his heart, but the stress of seeing him every day was breaking it more. He was glad that Adam was in the shower when he got back to their room so he didn't have to look upon more of the forbidden fruit. He collapsed into a chair and switched on the tv, finding himself fighting back tears. He just couldn't take it anymore! He flipped through all the channels, then turned the tv off in disgust. He sighed internally as he heard the bathroom door open.

 Turning around, Jay saw Adam emerge from the room, clad only in a small white towel. He couldn't stop himself from running his eyes down his friend's body. ‘Why do I do this to myself?' he thought, ‘I can't have him. Maybe I should just quit.' Without realizing, he had said the last sentence out loud. It had been quiet, but Adam's sharp ears picked it up. He turned to look at his friend in surprise. Quickly he pulled on the clothes he had taken out of his bag, then sat in the chair next to Jay.

 "Jay - what did you just say?" Adam inquired.

 Jay blinked back tears. He tried to hide it, but he couldn't keep the pain off his face. "Nothing," he lied, his voice breaking as he said it.

 "Jay - tell me what's wrong. Why do you want to quit? Please, tell me," Adam urged. He was far too close for Jay to be comfortable. Jay looked straight into his friend's face, overwhelmed by the beauty he saw in it. He loved Adam so much...Almost without realizing what he was doing, he leaned forward and brushed Adam's lips. He remembered where he was as he felt Adam's body tense with shock.

 "Oh, god, now see what you've done!" he sobbed, spinning around and running out of the room. Adam stared after him. He raised a hand to his lips, hardly able to believe his best friend had just kissed him.

 Jay ran all the way down to the lobby, hailing a cab from the street and hastily hopping in. He went to the only place he thought he might find comfort; a local gay bar. Maybe he could find someone to talk to there, someone who would understand. Some men sitting together at a table began whistling at him as he walked in.

 "Ooh, look at that hotty over there!" one of the men exclaimed loudly.

 "I wonder how you get between those pretty legs," another commented. Jay tried to ignore them as they continued to make lewd comments about him. He hated being heckled. He really wasn't in the mood to take it right now; he had had the worst night imaginable. He walked up to the bar and ordered a stiff drink. One of the men from the table, by far the fairest of the lot, took a seat on the stool next to him.

 "Listen, I'm sorry about what they were saying to you," the man apologized. "They're just assholes, don't listen to them."

 "Thanks, but I can take care of myself," Jay told him, reaching for his drink and gulping it down.

 The man raised his eyebrows. "Have a bad night?" Jay just snorted. "I'll take that as a yes. I'm Jon, by the way," the man said.

 "Jay," Jay told the man.

 "Nice to meet you," Jon replied. He ran his eyes down Jay's body, showing considerable interest. "So - do you want someone between your legs tonight? Because I'd just love to fuck you," he stated.

 Jay gave him a disgusted look. "I'll live."

 "Sure, but I'm sure I could cheer you up. You won't be able to think about anything else when I'm inside you, baby. And I just happen to live right across the street. If you're not feelin' so great, there's no better place to be, believe me."

 Jay looked at Jon for a moment. His eyes were dull and sad. "You know, why not?" he said, throwing down a few dollars for his drink. He'd already ruined his life. Why not have a little fun for once? He followed Jon out of the bar and up to his apartment. He didn't notice the three other men from Jon's table who followed a short distance behind them.

 Jon wasted no time once he had Jay in his bedroom. He shoved Jay down on the bed, rapidly undressing them both with practiced ease. Using long perfected moves, he quickly pushed Jay into the excited, extremely receptive physical state he wanted. He moaned along with Jay as he shoved himself into Jay repeatedly. He enjoyed feeling Jay's hot young flesh around him immensely. He thrust forward quickly, soon spilling hot seed into Jay's body. Having reached orgasm, he held the position for a moment and pulled out, rolling off to the side. He noted that his three friends had entered the room silently.

 "God, that was a great fuck!" he exclaimed happily. "You've got to try him."

 Jay looked up, finally realizing they were not alone. Before he could speak, one of the other men was on top of him, dropping his pants as he approached. "Relax, pretty boy, you're not done yet," the man growled.

Sean was jolted awake by a sudden pounding at the door. Muttering to himself, he climbed out of bed and opened the door. Adam was standing there, an urgent look on his face. "Is Jay here?" he asked.

 "No." Sean frowned. "Why the hell would he be here?"

 "Adam, do you know what time it is?" Chris demanded, joining his roommate at the door.

 "Shit." Both men were surprised to see Adam slam his hand into the wall in frustration. "I was praying he'd be here!"

 "Well, god, what happened?" Chris asked in concern, pulling Adam into the room.

 "Is Jay missing?" Sean wondered.

 "I don't know where he is." Adam sat on a chair and put his head in his hands. "Shit, I don't know what he'll do!" he exclaimed, a sob escaping his lips. "He was so upset when he left, I'm really afraid of the state of mind he must be in. Goddamnit, why did this have to happen?" Adam cried angrily, flinging a nearby pillow in a random direction. Sean scowled as the pillow smacked him in the face. He was about to complain, but Chris silenced him with a look.

 "What happened, Adam?" Chris asked, rubbing Adam's back in an attempt to calm the distraught blonde.

 Adam was shaking his head. "I should've stopped him. I never should've let him go off alone. This is all my fault!" There were tears in his eyes. "What if something happens to him, Chris?"

 "Jay can take care of himself, Adam," Chris assured his friend. "What happened that makes you so worried?"

 "Jay kissed me, Chris," Adam said. Chris's eyes widened in surprise. "He kissed me, then he got really upset and ran off before I could talk to him, like he'd made a huge mistake in doing that. I don't think he wanted me to know. And now that I do - I just don't know what he's thinking! He was so upset, Chris!"

 "Ok, calm down." Chris pulled Adam to his feet. "We're going to look for him. Don't worry, we'll find him, and he'll be alright. We'll straighten this all out, ok?"

 Adam nodded, wiping away his tears. "God, I hope he's ok," he breathed.

Meanwhile, Jay was in the midst of another orgasm as the second one of Jon's friends was delving into him. Had he not been severely depressed, upset, and a little drunk - he normally never touched alcohol, so that didn't take much - he would've hated this. However, it took his thoughts away from Adam and the mess he had made of his life. He didn't care what they did to him, as long as it made him forget about everything. And it was.

 He moaned a final time as the second man finished and the third one approached. "More," he moaned. The third man was happy to oblige him. Jay was relieved to once again be lost in the seemingly endless stream of thrusting hips and pleasure filled moans which was making him forget even his own name. His fingers clawed at the bed sheets as he was taken yet again. "Oh, more, more!" he demanded. Delighted by their subject's willingness, Jon and his friends showed no sign of stopping the onslaught.

Feeling disheartened and guilty, Adam pushed open the door of the third gay bar they had visited that night. They had had no luck so far. He was glad to have Chris and Sean at either side of him to support him. They walked up to the bartender and asked if he had seen a person of Jay's description.

 "Yeah, he was here," the bartender replied to their queries.

 "He was? Is he still here?" Adam asked, feeling relieved, but only until he heard the man's answer.

 "Nah, he left with somebody," the bartender replied.

 "Do you know who it was?" Chris pressed.

 The bartender looked at them suspiciously. "What do you need to find him so badly for, anyway?" he asked.

 "Family emergency," Adam supplied. "He's my brother, and I have to find him tonight."

 "Oh. You're not his boyfriend, then?"

 "No." Adam shook his head.

 "And neither of you is, either?" Chris and Sean shook their heads. "Well, then, he left with ol' Jonny, a guy who hangs around here a lot," the bartender told them. "If he is your brother, you might want to be a little worried; Jonny's got quite a bad reputation."

 "Do you know where they could've gone?" Chris asked, squeezing Adam's arm tightly, who seemed about ready to break down again.

 "Jon lives right across the street," the bartended said, "Apartment 7D. We've had a few rescue operations from there before. You all be careful if you go over there."

 "Thank you. We will," Chris stated, taking Adam's arm and leading him out of the bar.

 "Shit Chris, what if Jay's in trouble?" Adam asked, his voice shaky. "What if he's hurt? It'd be my fault!"

 "Adam, pull yourself together!" Chris exclaimed. "If we do find him, you won't do us any good in this state!"

 "Sorry." Adam swallowed and tried to compose himself. They were nervous and a little frightened as they crossed the street and went into the apartment building. They found 7D with no problem. Chris knocked loudly on the door.

 "Hang in there, Adam," he whispered.

 A young man in a robe answered the door. "Do you want something?" he asked, annoyance clear in his voice.

 "Are you Jon?" Chris asked.

 "Maybe." Jon glanced over the three of them. "Why?"

 "We're looking for Jay," Adam said, managing to keep his voice steady. "Is he here? We know he left with you."

 "Hmm, so you're his friends, huh? Well, I'm afraid he's not here," Jon lied. "He came here to fuck, we did, and he left. Try someplace else." Jon tried to close the door.

 Sean held out his arm to stop it. "We really need to talk to him now," he insisted.

 Jon's eyes flashed. "I told you, he's not here. You can come in if you want, though." Jon leaned against the door frame, running his eyes down Sean's body. "I'm not tired. I could still fuck you like you wouldn't believe." Sean stiffened with anger at the rude invitation.

 "Jay! Jay, are you here?" Adam called.

 Jon glared at him angrily. "He's not here!"

 In another room, Jay heard Adam's words. Jon's friends had left, but Jon had been busily exploring his body some more when the knock had come at the door. "Shit!" Jay cried. He rolled out of the bed, finding he could barely stand. He managed to pull his clothes back on and climb to his feet. Adam couldn't see him like this, so filthy and miserable and pathetic! He had to leave. He pried the widow down and managed to find his way safely to the ground, despite his extremely exhausted state. But where could he go now? He had no where to turn. He was absolutely alone. Tears poured down his face as he ran off into the night.

 "Hey!" Jon roared as Sean dashed past him into the apartment. He managed to slam the door before Adam and Chris could follow. "What the hell do you think you're doing? He's not here!"

 "Jay?" Sean yelled, looking into every room in the apartment. He reached the bedroom last, rushing in and scanning the room for any sign of Jay. He saw no trace of his friend. He jumped as the door slammed behind him. Sean turned to see Jon approaching him menacingly.

 "You see?" Jon declared. "As I said, he's not here." In a swift movement, he reached Sean and pushed him down onto the bed, taking no time at all to climb on top of him and slip his hands into the brunette's shirt. "Are you sure you don't wanna fuck?" Jon asked, pressing his lips forcefully against Sean's neck.

 "Get off of me!" Sean cried, shoving Jon away and sprinting for the door. Jon shrugged and let him go. Sean ran quickly out of the apartment, letting the door slam shut behind him. "He's not here," he told Chris and Adam.

 "Sean, are you ok?" Chris looked at his friend with a worried expression on his face.

 "Yes, I'm fine," Sean lied, swallowing to hide his distress. "Come on, we've got the find Jay."

Jay had checked into a run down motel he had come across. He had given them his real name, since he needed to in order to use his credit card. He hoped Adam wouldn't think to call the place to see if he was there. He fell onto the room's small bed and wrapped his arms over his eyes.

 "This is just great," he exclaimed to the air. "I've lost absolutely everything. My friends, my job, poof! All gone." He chuckled mirthlessly, trying to suppress the tears burning in his eyes. They began to flow down his face as he continued ranting to no one. "And now, I've completely lost any dignity I had left." Sobs soon choked his throat, making it impossible for him to speak anymore. He cried himself to sleep, feeling utterly miserable and lost.

Early to next morning the door creaked open and a single figure entered. Jay was sleeping soundly, exhausted from the events of the previous night. The man smiled and heaved a sigh of relief when he saw Jay sleeping peacefully on the bed. He sat on the mattress next to the golden blonde and stroked his hair gently. "Jay," he whispered.

 Jay jolted awake. He stared at the man sitting over him. "Adam! How - how did you find me? Why are you here? Go away!" Jay turned away from the man he couldn't help loving. "Just go away!"

 "I spent all night trying to find you, Jay. Do you have any idea how worried I was?" Adam said softly.

 Jay turned back to Adam. He felt tears in his eyes again, although he was thoroughly sick of crying. "Don't you remember what happened? I kissed you, Adam! I'm gay, and...I love you." Jay blurted it out before he could stop himself. It felt wonderful to finally admit it. It didn't matter; he had already ruined his relationship was Adam for good.

 To Jay's surprise, instead of spurning him Adam pulled him into his arms. Adam hugged him tightly. "I don't care what you are, you're still my best friend," he stated. "Are you ok? What happened last night?" He drew back to peer into Jay's eyes.

 "You mean - you don't hate me?" Jay stared at the tall blonde. "You really don't?"

 "No, I don't."

 Jay swallowed. "You will after you hear what I did last night. I'm so pathetic, Adam! I'm such a filthy little piece of garbage."

 "No you're not, Jay. Being gay - or having feelings for me - that doesn't make you wrong." Adam had figured out a few things over the course of the night, enough so that he wasn't surprised when Jay admitted to loving him. He was determined to help Jay through this and get his best friend back.

 Jay looked at Adam with eyes filled with self-loathing. "Do you know what I do when I'm dying from the desire to touch you? I go out, and I pick up some guy at a bar, and I let him fuck me! Just so I can forget for a few minutes that I love someone I can never have. That's my solution! I don't deal with me feelings, I can't figure out how to. So instead, I just go get myself fucked! I don't care who I end up with, as long as they can give me what my body wants. But it's never enough, because I really only want you. And no one can match you, especially the kind of cheap trash I end up with."

 "So you were with that man we met last night - Jon," Adam guessed.

 Jay nodded. "Him and three of his friends! God, what I let them do to me - what I asked them to do to me! I'm so filthy! I'm so sick! I should just die and do the world a favor." Jay crumpled into a sobbing heap on the bedspread.

 "Don't ever say that, Jay," Adam told his friend, alarmed by Jay's statement. "Ever! The world would lose a great man if you died, and I would lose my best friend. There's no man in the world who I care about more than you, Jay."

 "That just makes it worse, Adam!" Jay choked out between sobs. "It just makes it worse!"

 Adam pulled Jay into his arms again, not letting go even through Jay tried to pull away. He stroked Jay's hair gently. "Don't cry, Jay. I hate seeing you cry. Please, don't cry." He pulled back just far enough to be able to look Jay in the eyes, keeping his arms around Jay's back. A decision was made in his head, and he started to move forward slowly. Jay was shocked when Adam's lips came into contact with his. He wrapped his arm around Adam's back as they shared a deep kiss. He would've said something in protest when it ended, but Adam brought their lips together again before he could.

 Jay felt like he was dreaming. Adam's lips were even softer and fuller than he had imagined. He drank in their taste as if it were flavored by the sweetest honey. Then, he realized what Adam must be doing. "Adam, don't." He pushed Adam away and pressed his tear streaked face into a pillow. "Don't prostitute yourself for me! I know you don't want me! It won't help, so don't. Besides, I can't even THINK about sex right now. Not after last night. God, I can't believe I can actually walk!"

 "Jay, I don't wanna lose you," Adam whispered. "We'll work through this together, ok? We'll figure something out. Now that I know, we can deal with this, together."

 Jay stared at him. "How can you still want to be around me? How can you still respect me at all?"

 "Everyone makes mistakes, Jay. I won't hold yours against you. Your biggest mistake was not telling me, though. You should've known I wouldn't care. I love you like a brother," Adam stated, taking Jay's hand and squeezing it reassuringly.

 Jay snorted. "Some brother I am! Do you have any idea how long I've been thinking about you like this, Adam? I've been in love with you since high school! All these years. Do you know how many inappropriate thoughts I've had about you? Have I've thought about what I'd like to do to you, how I'd like to touch you...can you really deal with that? With all the filth in my mind?"

 "Being in love isn't a crime," Adam said in a soft, soothing voice. He stood up and pulled Jay to his feet. "Come on, we're getting out of this dump and going back to our nice hotel. Sean and Chris are waiting for me to get back. I promised them I'd have you, too, and they're going to help us through this."

 Jay felt a small stirring of hope inside him, although he could barely detect it with all the pain and confusion surrounding him. He let Adam lead him out of the hotel, and on to what he prayed would be a new path in his life.


Feed the Author

Return to E&C Fic

Back to Fanfic

Message Board