"I don't know who it was," Vince stated, looking around the room with a frown, "but I want it to stop." Nearly every wrestler in the WWF was gathered in the room, most of them holding their hands over their mouths or biting their cheeks to keep from laughing. Matt Hardy was standing in the front of the room, looking in many respects like a circus sideshow gone wrong. His head and torso were covered with a thick, gooey black sludge. Bits of it dripped down his upturned nose, spots splashing onto the carpet from his wet, gooey hair. He was glaring angrily at the crowd, his fists clenched in rage.
"I cannot have my wrestlers go out on camera looking like this!" Vince exclaimed, gesturing to Matt.
Chris Jericho raised his hand. "You could just try giving the Hardys weekly baths, sir." Everyone burst into laughter, Drew plopping a big kiss on his boyfriend's lips. Jeff Hardy glared out at the laughing wrestlers, punching the arm of the man nearest to him. This proved to be a big mistake, as the arm in question belonged to none other than Rikishi. The big Samoan turned narrowed eyes on the now cowering Hardy, grabbing him by his scraggly pink hair and dragging him out into the hall.
"I don't see what the problem is," Al Snow commented to Steve Blackman and Brian Christopher. "Matt always looks like that."
Vince turned to Al, his hands on his hips. "The problem, Al," he said through gritted teeth, "is that he's been tarred!"
Al frowned, looking at Matt, then back at Vince. "Then where are the feathers?"
"What?" Vince stared at the brunette, who also looked confused.
"Well, people are never just tarred," Al reasoned. "They're tarred and feathered. Where are the feathers?"
At that precise moment, a huge shower of feathers rained out of the ceiling, thoroughly coating Matt is plumes of yellow, blue, red, purple, and green.
"Now he looks just like his brother," Sean Waltman giggled, making everyone laugh once again. Hunter grinned at the young man, wrapping his hand around the back of his neck and pulling him into a passionate kiss. In front of them, Drew and Jericho were still necking.
"Hey where is the little twerp?" Show wondered as his laughter died down.
Rikishi returned just in time to hear the comment, grinning evilly. "Don't worry, he won't be disturbing us any time soon," he chuckled wickedly.
"Alright, no Rainbow Twerp!" Edge and Christian exclaimed, high-fiving each other.
"Hey!" Matt cried, glaring at them all. "Whatta bout me? I look awful!"
"Well what else is new?" Kurt Angle commented, rewarded, as the others had been, by a passionate kiss from Rhyno. He moaned as the bigger man pushed him down onto his back, lying over their two chairs.
Vince scowled and yelled for them to pay attention as the scene quickly degenerated. Rhyno was straddling Kurt while kissing him, Sean has moved into Hunter's lap, and Drew's hands were now under Jericho's shirt, doing something that was making the blonde moan and arch into him. A horde of other couples followed suit, those who were currently single pairing up just for the heck of it. The only two remaining unattached, Rikishi and Big Show, looked at each other, shrugged, and began necking.
Vince screamed at the wrestlers for a few more minutes, then sighed and gave up. He glanced at Matt, who was still scowling angrily. "Vince you have to do something!" Matt cried. "They can't get away with this!"
Vince sighed again, rubbing his temples as if he had a headache. "And what do you want me to do, Hardy?"
"I don't know. Hose them!" Matt exclaimed.
Edge pulled back from Christian, whose mouth he had been happily exploring with his tongue. "Don't be such a hosebeast, Matt!" he exclaimed. "Why don't you join us?"
Matt's face brightened instantly. "Really?"
Edge threw back his head and laughed. "Oh hell no! As if I would let you touch my beautiful sunshine angel," he commented, lovingly caressing Christian's cheek. "Now beat it, you dirty multi-colored chicken!"
Matt scowled, giving them all another glare, which not one person noticed, then stomped out into the hall, rainbow feathers and all. Vince had helped himself to a seat, his head in his hands as the moans around him grew louder. A moment later, Michael Cole stuck his head in the door. "Vince, Steve sent - " He stopped short when he saw the scene before him, his eyes growing wide. He swallowed hard, then began again. "Um, Steve sent me to tell you that he's waiting in his locker room for you," Michael stated.
"Really." Vince stood, a grin spreading across his face. "Well, I'd better go see what he wants then."
"Hey Mikey, get your ass over here and join us," Tazz called from where he was making out with Crash Holly. Michael practically leapt across the room and into his fellow commentator's arms.
Vince turned as he reached the door, looking over his misbehaving employees and chuckling. They might not be the most wholesome bunch, but he wouldn't trade them for the world. He turned back around and walked out the door, licking his lips in anticipation of what Steve wanted to see him about. He paused after walking perhaps 10 feet, looked around, then stood up on his tip toes and snatched a mostly empty bag of feathers from a hidden ceiling passage. He tossed the bag into the garbage, dusting off his hands and heading towards Steve's locker room.
THE END