Sucking. I used to think it was a good thing. Before I met you, I'd always have some boy on his knees before me, sucking me into oblivion. I loved it; I craved it. I was addicted to it even. I always wanted it.
Once I met you, though, it was different. That word took on a whole new meaning to me. It no longer meant sex or pleasure. It no longer meant running my fingers through silky locks as I was sucked off. No, the meaning of the word changed completely.
Now that word represents all the things you've taken from me. All the things you're still taking. You're sucked away my happiness. You've sucked away my belief. You've sucked away my stability, my faith, and my trust. You've taken my heart and with it my smile. All this, sucked away.
Why do you do it? Does it give you pleasure to see my lose everything I need? Do you laugh? Do you find it funny?
Do you even know you're doing it? Or are you just so self centered that you've never noticed? That you just never think about how it makes me feel? Do you ever think about the way I feel?
I doubt you do. You can't imagine what it's like for me to see you with him, can you? I doubt you even think about it.
Every time I see you now, you're wish him. Always touching him, always holding him, always kissing him. You're trying to make me jealous, but do you realize what else you're doing to me? How you're tearing away my very heart? I can't stand those looks you give me; looks of contempt, disdain. Like I'm nothing to you. Like I'm trash. Like I'm garbage, just a toy to be used and thrown away. That's what you treated me as. That's all I am, I guess. No one treats me as more than that.
Sucking. Sucked away. I understand that word all too well nowadays. I think just about everything inside me has been sucked away. Sucked away by your looks, by your harsh words. By the way you put me down without even trying. Making me feel like nothing, making me feel worse than nothing. I hate you for it; you, who I once thought I loved more than anything. I hate you. There's nothing in this world I hate more than you.
There's one thing that remains inside me, that dwells inside me empty beings, and that's the pain. The pain of knowing I wasn't good enough, knowing that my one true love, my lover of so many good years, thought so little of me that he threw me out without a second thought. That's what you did. I can't understand it, I never have. One night we made love and fell asleep in each other's arms, the next day you show up with him. You never even told me why.
So all I'm left with is the pain. No explanations, nothing to hold onto. Just my empty body, sucked dry of everything, and the pain. I can't believe this happened to me, the Game, the Cerebral Assassin. I'm supposed to be in charge, I'm supposed to be strong. But I suppose that really is just a role I play on tv. In the back, or in the darkness, or late at night, all I am is your castaway, your reject. A toy that you played with, a toy that you sucked dry of any merit or virtue, then cast away into the trash.
I'll never understand this, but I will always hate you, Steve
Austin. I'll hate you until you suck away even that.
THE END