He's not here! That bitch! He said he was going to paint my nails, but is he here doing it? No! And where is he? Who knows! Why should he call me and let me know, right? I'm just his best buddy, his girlfriend, his roomy, no reason I should know where the heck his slutty ass is!
I knew I shouldn't have left the locker room when he asked - no, not asked, *demanded* that I leave. Leave so he could act like a slut with that big dumb Texan! A Texan for god's sake! Has he no taste? But anyway, I knew he'd back out of doing my nails tonight! And he knows how I hate doing my nails myself! Dammit!
I'm sitting on my bed, glaring at the stupid bottles of nail polish which I had lined up while waiting eagerly for him to return. And, after a more than reasonable window of time, he's still not here! I bet he's still with Booker, that big dumb rude oaf! How dare he keep Chris away and stop him from doing my nails! An oaf like him couldn't possibly understand how hard it is to go from butch to fem, when you're a guy like me, with so little experience. I'm doing my best, but I still don't have the damn nail painting thing down! I love the painted nails, I think it makes me look very pretty, which is how I love to look, but it's hard! The stupid polish gets everywhere and it's always smearing!
I'm telling you, I'm this far away from calling Jeff Hardy! Ok, so he's a constantly out of it skank, but at least he knows how to do nails! I am so gonna kill Chris next time I see him! How am I ever gonna get a date if I can't make myself look pretty?
I sigh, thinking over my glum dating prospects since I went fem. People just don't seem to get it! Why do they think I shaved my beard off and started dressing nicer? Just for fun? No! I did it to look more like a I really wanna look, and no one even notices it! Chris can walk around with a damn chinchilla on his chin and the guys are still all over him, but nothing I do seems to get their attention. The only guy who's even hit on me is Flair, the lecherous old bastard. And that just ain't happening, honey!
What do I have to do, walk around with a sign on my forehead that says ‘I'm fem now, take me out'? Or should I just go into the locker room and scream "I need a man!"? Yeah, and all the fems will probably come running! It would figure! I don't know why the hell I made myself play butch for so long, I hated it, the sex was never satisfying, and all the subs that I dated drove me nuts! The only one I could stand was Sean, and that was only because he got so dominant at times. But he was still way too fem for me. What I want is a big, strong, rough, manly man, someone who'll protect and coddle me, who'll punch out anyone who's mean to me and smack any spiders who happen to enter my vicinity.
I wanted to hook up with Billy, but turns out he's gone all fem for Chuck. Figures. And there's no point going after Chuck, since he's so head over heels for Billy that he actually married him! Nash and Rhyno, two manly, manly men, are out injured, of course, and I need a man now! Benoit's enchanted with Latino Heat, Kurt - who isn't all that butch in the first place - is starry eyed for Edge, Test, who's got the perfect physique, is just as fem as I am, and smitten with William Regal for some bizarre reason. Rocky and Austin have both left, just as I would've had a use for them, naturally. Brock I'd hook up with, but Heyman won't let me get within 20 feet of him. Taker isn't even close to having the gym body I require in my men. I was hoping for Kane, but now he's fucking that idiot, Hurridope, since apparently he thinks that's how you're supposed to celebrate a title reign. Thank Sean for that one.
And that's about it. Everyone else is either taken or not remotely suitable. It sucks. If only I'd gone fem years ago, I bet I'd have a man by now! I'd probably have FIVE, for that matter! Dammit.
I snatch up the phone, quickly punching in Chris' cellphone number. "You'd better have a good excuse for backing out on the nails, you bastard," I mutter to myself as it rings.
Finally, he picks up. "Heeeeeeeee," I heard someone sucking in their breathe, "lo?"
"Chris?" I frown.
"No. It's...Goooollllddust," murmurs the voice on the other end.
"What the heck are you doing answering Jericho's phone? He decide to fuck you too?" I snap.
Goldust chuckles. "Ceeeertainly not, my dear," he hisses.
"Cut that out!" I am so not in the mood for this. "Put Chris on right now."
"Can't do that, sugar." The gold freak chuckles again. "He's asleeeeep now."
"Well wake him up!" I shout. "Look, he promised to do my nails tonight, and I'm damn well gonna hold him to it!"
"Darling, he can't do your nails while he's asleep." Ok, the gold freak is really starting to piss me off. "But..." But? "I happen to be something of an eeeexpert in that area myself." Wait. The freak is offering to do my nails himself? Well...hell, it probably beats a cranky Chris!
"Fine. Get your ass down here now!" I snap, dropping the phone back into its cradle. Damn I hate getting mad, it makes me act all butch, and I hate that.
I'm pleasantly surprised when only a moment later, there's a knock on the door. I open it up, and there's Goldust, long glittery robes and all. "Won't you come in." I hold the door open to him, blinking as his eyes rake over my body.
"You look absolutely scrumptious tonight, Hunter," he purrs.
"You really think so?" I smile, running a hand through my hair and fluffing it out a bit more. "Do I look pretty?"
"Gorgeous." He looks over me again, his eyes lingering on the chest area of my tight t-shirt. I find myself blushing, loving the feeling. "Hunter, darling, have I told you how utterly stunning you've become lately?" Goldust murmurs.
"Stunning," I preen, overjoyed to be getting some male attention, at last.
"Indeed," he replies. "And I bet I know what would make you look even more stunning."
I can't believe I'm even thinking it, but I almost want him to say ‘You lying on your back with your legs around my waist'. "What?" I breath.
"This." He unhooks his golden cloak, walking it up to me and putting it around my shoulders. "Oh." He puts his hands on his chest, surveying me again. "You're an absolute princess!"
"Thank you." I am definitely preening now. If he says the word, I'll be on my back in bed in an instant.
"Now lets make you a proper princess and get those nails painted."
Drat. But I'll get my nails done, that's good. I bounce onto the bed and show him my polishes, still preening from his compliments. He takes a gold polish which matches the cloak, beginning to expertly apply it to my nails. "Hunter," he purrs, glancing up at me as he continues to paint, "Would it be too bold of me to ask permission to court you?"
Ok, now I'm positively glowing! "Really?" I ask shyly, finding myself again blushing.
"Definitely," he affirms.
"Ok." I giggle, glancing up at him shyly again. I guess there are men in the sea after all, and it looks like I've got a bight!
THE END
Companion story:
Damn Skippy, Hippy!